our unbelievable life
I’m in the middle and I don’t like it. It is uncomfortable, yet it seems to be necessary. Well, at least, thats what i’m going to believe. It’s not all bad, it’s just awkward.
liminal: of, relating to, or being an intermediate state, phase, or condition : in-between, transitional
When is it too much? When does enjoying the financial success go too far? When does sharing it go too far? When is enough to enough? When is it ok to want more? And at what point does money fracture relationships?
I am blessed with living in the tension of too much and not enough. We foster children. The poverty stricken children. We advocate for the parents to have resources to support their own children and themselves. We advocate for the kids so that they can grow up with basic necessities. And yet WE are financially blessed. Gregg works hard and makes a fabulous income. My parents are ‘reaping the fruit of their labors’ and sharing the wealth. We have been given much. We are white, healthy, live in a safe country, believe in a loving God, are educated and are technically wealthy.
And yet, WE want more. We want the debt to be paid off so that we can incur more debt. We want a better car, an upgrade to the house, a better house, a more extravagant vacation. When is it enough? Where is the balance and are we being responsible with what we have been given?
From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. – luke 12:48
I live in that tension. I want to go on the extravagant vacations. I want to renovate the house and yet I want to help people in poverty and I want to teach my children that there is more out there than getting every ‘thing’ they want when they want it. Where is the balance? When does the tension turn to harmony?
One of my favorite things to do is give gifts. I love gifting friends and family. Gifting our children is the absolute best. But when do the blessings (gifts) become harmful to their well being? How do we balance the wants, the gifts and the responsibilities? When is it too much?
And then I am reminded that I am focusing on the money and not the relationships. Money is a tool to enhance life. It is a tool to survive in the US. But it is not needed to build relationships. And really relationships are what life is about. And how do we build relationships? We develop them over time, in the mundane, in daily life.
Daily interactions might seem inconsequential – ORDINARY COMMON – yet they are perhaps among the most critical and influential PLACE in personal development and relational capacitiies. = PROSAIC
Money will not build relationships. Money will allow us to focus on other aspects of life. Money will allow us to travel and see different parts of the world. Money will let us celebrate our relationships in a different way. But if we want to continue to grow and develop our relationships, money is not necessarily needed. Time is needed.
Relationships are built in the every day. In the kitchen, in working together towards a common goal, in the happy and the sad, in the challenges. So maybe that’s the answer. Maybe the balance is remembering to intentionally focus on doing and teaching the ordinary common, in order to invest in the capacity of the relationships.
So maybe the occasional extravagant vacation is ok but to make it the only investment into the relationship is not adequate. We need to live in the prosaic to teach, to grow and to strengthen our relationships.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it. -Proverbs 22:6
Structure is great and fine but I don’t want to be strangled by it. And in avoiding strangulation I have avoided any type of discipline or ritual. As with everything else, I have swung the pendulum to the extreme. And my nature is to swing it back with force yet I dread the structure. I know I need to enforce some discipline into my life. I know I need to create some rituals that don’t get interrupted by the daily distractions. The only place I know to begin this process is to ask God for help. Where do I need discipline and where do I need rituals? How do I clear my mind and heart and body and make more room for Him?
So as with everything, I will define the words. Next I will research and lets see what the Bible (aka GOD) says about these things. And let’s get a plan of action.
Discipline: activity, exercise, or a regimen that develops or improves a skill (synonyms: restraint, will, regulation)
Ritual: an established or prescribed procedure for a religious or rite. (synonyms: habit, routine, custom)
11 No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.
28 A person without self-control
is like a city with broken-down walls.
6 This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you. 7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
4 So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you have suffered physically for Christ, you have finished with sin.[a] 2 You won’t spend the rest of your lives chasing your own desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God.3 You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy—their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols.
4 Of course, your former friends are surprised when you no longer plunge into the flood of wild and destructive things they do. So they slander you. 5 But remember that they will have to face God, who stands ready to judge everyone, both the living and the dead. 6 That is why the Good News was preached to those who are now dead[b]—so although they were destined to die like all people,[c] they now live forever with God in the Spirit.[d]
7 The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers. 8 Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins. 9 Cheerfully share your home with those who need a meal or a place to stay.
10 God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. 11 Do you have the gift of speaking? Then speak as though God himself were speaking through you. Do you have the gift of helping others? Do it with all the strength and energy that God supplies. Then everything you do will bring glory to God through Jesus Christ. All glory and power to him forever and ever! Amen.
When I am open to receive, HE speaks.
Getting to the point of openness is the challenge.
Once again, I have gotten hung up in the doing, in the obsession with time and in the need to control the outcome. And, once again, the battle is within myself. And here I sit, again.
When I am open, nurture the internal and become intentional with my energy, HE speaks.
This fall has felt like a prep course. I’m not sure what I’m prepping for but I know that this is designated time to prep. To have conversations, to listen, to research, to pray, to believe.
How? Why? When? What? Where?
Revelation …is a terrible thing…because once you see, you cannot unseen. I have seen enough that I know I am not open. I know I have been focused on the task list and the time crunch. And I have gotten on the hamster wheel again. It’s time to jump off. To be present, to be open, to explore and to listen.
To be thankful for this season. To be thankful that Chase is home and we are re-connecting as adults. To have the existential conversations. To be challenged on my beliefs and my actions. To be in community. To recognize my limitations, my anxieties, my expectations and my human-ness and to recognize God’s hand in these moments. Precious time with Chase home. Precious time with Mitch and Liz home.
Why does it take me sooo long to get things? Sometime it amazes me. I have probably even said that ‘I got it’ but didn’t change my patterns. What the hell? Granted, I am human but seriously?!?! There are 24 hours in a day. Let’s do the math:
So on any given day I should have 1.5 to 3.5 hours to myself. (Assuming I ignore my husband, everyone is healthy, the baby naps and I don’t have any school commitments)
And then there is today. I have 4.5 free hours (the rarity). So how do I use MY time? I talk to my other kids and I journal. Because right now I am so clogged up, I need to journal. I have to do lists (for others) and for myself but until I can get my head cleared out I can’t seem to focus on any of them. So off to the lists I go starting with the ‘volunteer’ list:
And for ME list:
Wow. Why haven’t I done this before? I have gotten so skilled at multi-tasking and rushing from one thing to the next, I haven’t realized how little time I am doing for ME. I keep looking at the numbers and think maybe I’m exaggerating…but nope.
So if I have, on average, 2 hours per week day, how do I want to spend it? And how will this change my future volunteer activities?
This is a hard day for me. Not so much for others I suppose. But it’s a much needed day.
One that I wouldn’t have taken except I am supposed to be in a class (which I am skipping) and so I have distributed the children. I didn’t plan on skipping. I have been excited about the class. But I am tired and scattered and need some alone time. And all the kids are other places and I can be at home by myself in silence. I need this more than I need the class right now. A Disney Cruise followed by caring for a friends going through cancer. And children.
This is a hard day for me. Not so much for others I suppose. But it’s a much needed day.
I feel guilty for skipping and not telling the people that are caring for my children. I feel guilty for not sharing with my family and friends that are so excited for me to try something new.
This is a hard day for me. Not so much for others I suppose. But it’s a much needed day.
The things i want to do today won’t save a life or change the world but it will change me. It will change the way I think, respond, interact and love. I will finish laundry, organize here and there, read, create, write and sleep. I will prep for the kids to return. I will get an evening with my husband AND be present.
It’s a much needed day.
Life on this Roller Coaster 