Tag: change

Crashing 10 years ago

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Crash

The writing below is from the Fall of 2008.  Little did we know what would unfold in the next 10 years.  So thankful we crashed though!

God has left his mark on us in our life circumstances through the last few years and we have added a mark to commemorate His impact on our world. As many of you may know or recognize, we started a spiritual journey shortly after Chase’s entry to treatment and it has been a progressive process over the last two years or so. Chase’s scenario, Landen’s birth and the failure of Construction Strategies caused us to realize there are more important things in life than building material security.

Once Chase came home, we began to investigate how and where we needed to focus on others. This has been a passionate individual and team journey. God has taken us to places we never thought we would go. I (Krista) have taken on a new perspective about Jesus and God. I have renewed or finally truly established my faith in Jesus Christ. This has allowed me to define new priorities and passions in my life.

As we have progressed along our path to re-discovering God, we have found new books to feed our souls. One of these, The Barbarian Way, provided a perspective that we can truly identify with and has changed our life perspective. The thoughts and ideas shared in this book about how God wants us to live out our Christianity resonated with us. It has prompted us to change our perspective on our Christianity/spiritiuality and our purpose in life. We realize we are here, not to build financial wealth or store up material goods, but to do as much as we possibly can to impact others through Christ’s love. We have taken this to heart. In carrying this mission out, some of our choices may seem crazy, wild, or uncharacteristic. And in earlier years, we might agree. We have made a radical departure from our conservative path of being safe and remaining internally focused. Please understand, we are still being responsibly with our financial debt and we are putting forethought in what we are doing. But we have learned, grown and deepened our relationship with each other, God and our kids and feel we are doing what God is asking of us. We are allowing God to lead us into certain areas such as: adoption, Water is Basic, Sunday School, bible study, a trip to Sudan with the boys, and Parenting Alone to name a few.

As a reminder and encouragement to ourselves to stay on task with these beliefs and to not fall into the ‘safety net’, we have added some art to our body. Yes, a tattoo. The initial concept of this artwork, started with the various designations of a group of animals. For example, a pride of lions, a swarm of bees, a flock of birds, a committee of buzzards and a crash of rhinos. (A rhinoceros runs at 30 miles per hour but their eye sight only allows them to see 30 feet ahead.) I chose a barbaric type cross that is emerging outside of the box with the word crash underneath. To me this symbolizes God moving in and through me in an atypical way or new way. The word crash represents blind faith, as the rhino must have to survive. Gregg’s tattoo has a crash of rhinos overlapping a barbaric cross. The three rhinos represent God, Gregg and myself. God working through us while we crash.

Crash, baby, crash.

It is right and good

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The liminal space I was in on the morning of September 4 quickly shifted the evening of September 4.  A scared, sweet little girl made her entrance into our lives around 10:30PM.  A 15 mo that has seen more transition than she should and felt more fear and uncertainty that needed.  The next few days we were reminded of the ‘aftermath’ of taking in a new foster.  A barrage of unexpected and very random ‘attacks’ on our family.  I used to get flustered and upset when this would happen, but now I know.  I know it’s satan trying to discourage us.  I know he doesn’t like what we are doing.

And I know that it makes us more resolved to continue caring for babies/kids in transition.  And it is right and good.

Just a sampling of the ‘attacks’…Gregg goes out of town for one night and the air conditioner quits in part of the house, the middle school closes at 1PM because the toilets don’t work, Reece runs a high fever and misses one day of school.  These are in addition to the new transitions we are already making with having a 1 yo in the house and the attention the new baby gets wherever we go.  (not Reece’s favorite) My time, which had been open and easy, becomes minimal and spent transporting and caring for another child. And while it is an adjustment for me, I know it is right and good. 

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Aaliyah has alot of walls up and has some co-dependency issues.  She is scared of most everyone especially if they are male.  If I am holding her, then most are ok for her to wave at and look at.  She has a nervous tick when a male comes around, a one shoulder shrug.  It’s adorable and sad.  She has seen too much and been safe too little.  We are closing in on 2 weeks of her being with our family and she is just starting to make giant strides.  She is dancing, laughing, and starting to feel the freedom of childhood.  She is sleeping in crib and waking up happy instead of crying.  She is learning new words and she is starting to push boundaries.  And I now it is right and good.

The Air of Change

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I love change…when I instigate it.

I love change…when I have helped process it.

I hate change…when I have no control over it.

I hate change…when it hurts my family.

I accept change…because life would be boring without it.

I accept change…because I rely on God.

The breeze started in early April and it is still blowing. It started with little things…I need to work more, Reece needing a shift in gymnastics and possibly school, Landen moving towards independence.  And then it got bigger….Gregg got laid off, Eli left for a relative and Thea turned 1.  None of these are bad things, in fact they are all good but they are not easy.  So many times we assume change is bad but the truth is that this spring and summer has been nothing but good change.  We have all grown emotionally, spiritually and collectively as a family.

I feel change as it’s occurring.  I can sense the shift in the air.  I am not sure when my ability to sense seasons of change began.  I am not sure if this is something everyone can do or not.  For me, I observe, almost from the outside or as if i’m watching a movie in slow motion.  I am in it but i can feel it and see it.  It’s not sudden, It’s slow shifts that you never thought would come but then all of the sudden you are witnessing them.  It’s hard for me to process when it happens.  I don’t know whether to appreciate it or fight against it.

A significant wind blew on the cruise this year.  There was a shift occurring in our immediate and extended family.  We were the parents of adults, children and a grandchild.  The princess crazed kid was not so interested this year, the pre-teen was done being at the ‘kid table’.  The adult kids were focused on survival with a baby.  The baby was excited for the freedom.  I became less interested in what we were doing and more interested in who I was with.  Gregg was the most relaxed he has ever been on a cruise due to his new found freedom.  And Alex.  He participated when he could but often had to rest.  My parents focused on his care and the visible decline of his body.

That same breeze that blew through in early April and in July is still blowing.  Change is happening.  See it? Landen started 7th grade at the new building.  Reece started 4th grade at Pinkerton.  Gregg has a new gig that allows him to work from home.  Mitch and Liz have decided to move to Tulsa.  And I am in slo-mo., watching the changes that come with time, that I have no control over.

Change:

to make different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone: to transform: to exchange for something else

Privilege

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Change and Expectations are exhausting.  We want change, we want to be excited about the next step and we are mostly – as much as you can be excited for the un-known.  We love looking forward to what is coming and preparing for the next steps but it is tiring.  and while we do our best to focus on being in the here and now and enjoying the today, we must prepare for the tomorrow and it is and can be overwhelming at times.  Even when it is all good and well.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.   2 Corinthians 4:18

This spring has been filled with great events, fun opportunities and incredible experiences.  It is has been a blessing to be able to be in the present and enjoying the kids and home and to dream about what will come.  There has been sadness around as we comfort those we care for in our community but for us and our experiences, we have had very few traumatic events and everything has been exciting and positive.  Landen is finishing 5th grade (elementary school) and her first season on Drill Team.  Reece is finishing 2nd grade and participating on a Gymnastics Team.  Mitch and Liz had their first baby!  Chase is doing his thing in NYC.  Gregg is busy with work and I have been doing CASA classes and pondering the summer and next fall.  So why do I feel so exhausted?  Why I am I having trouble tapping into my emotions?

Why?

BECAUSE IT’S MAY and we have school aged children!  Because the last month I have been on my ‘to do’ mission.  Field trips, school parities, birthday parties, awards events, banquets, summer sign ups and the list goes on.  And not until I took the time to sit down and process all of this did I realize that I am using the wrong words.  I am using change, expectations and exhaustion in the wrong way.  I am using them with a negative almost apprehensive connotation.  A dreaded time when actually it is not that at all.

I have the privilege of being at home and being involved with my elementary kids at school.  I love knowing who they are surrounded by each day.  I love knowing their friends at school and their teachers and how they behaves away from me.  I love seeing that pride and excitement when they sees me at school.  I love being able to text or call any number of people to check on them if they are having a rough emotional day.  So many privileges and until right now as I sit here and try to understand my emotions do I realize the impact of my privilege.  The apprehensive, almost negative, connotations of the expectations and changes fade away, the exhaustion and weight of what is to come gets lighter and the pride of privilege opens up.

I have the privilege to be present as my children grow and change and to transition with them.  I have the privilege of going on the field trips, planning the parties, talking with them at pick up and guiding their discussions.  I had the privilege of being present when our first grand baby was born.  I had the privilege of taking food to the hospital, to supporting them when needed.  Am I tired?  Yes.  Am I grateful?  Hell, yea!

May is exhausting every year.  The to-do list gets long and the events seem to never end.  I can anticipate this and know it is just it’s own season.  And I have the privilege to participate in every event and to walk with our family through the transitions.  Words matter.  Perspective matters.  Time matters.

Privilege –  right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond theadvantages of most:
Transition – movement or passage from one state, stage,subject, concept, etc., to another;
Anticipate – to realize beforehand; foretaste or foresee